Oversize in the OC...

Dan Bendall

Speaking of caloric fair food, the recent Orange County (CA) Fair featured a monstrosity called the Hucowamongous Burger. It includes...

• three half-pound Angus beef patties • three slices of American cheese • six slices of bacon • tomato, onion and “gourmet” sauce • one bun (so at least the carb count is low...)

The whole mess weighs more than two pounds, and the fact that it is over six inches tall makes eating it in the conventional burger way pretty impossible unless you have the mouthspan of a Great White. In fact, while you’re at it, you might also want the metabolism of a Great White, because the Hucowamongous Burger puts Burger King’s Triple Whopper and even Hardee’s Monster Thickburger to shame.

Indeed, by comparison, the 1,235-calorie Triple Whopper is a mere weenie, with “only” three quarter-pound beef patties, two slices of cheese and no bacon.

The Monster Thickburger stacks up more competitively. Though it only has two 1/3-lb. patties, it does have four strips of bacon and three slices of cheese (plus mayo and a buttered, sesame-seed bun) for a very impressive 1,420- calorie total.

Our best guess, given these benchmarks, is that the Hucowamongous Burger is somewhere to the north of 1,500 and possibly even in the land of 2,000 calories. This is sacred territory previously trod only by the likes of super nacho platters, cheese-and-gravy smothered fries and Hungry Man Fettuccini Alfredo dinners.

Caloric excess is not something ordinarily associated with the OC, given its beautiful people image on the popular Fox teen drama, but the vendor did manage to sell nearly 600 Hucowamongous Burgers at the fair, according to online reports. That’s not bad, given the $15 price tag.

Perhaps “OC” also stands for “outrageous calories.”

The illustrations for FM's Just Desserts column are by Dave Clark. You can see more of his work at Clarktoons.